“For much longer he could have lived in this soft, well upholstered hell, if this had not happened: the moment of complete hopelessness and despair, that most extreme moment, when he hung over the rushing waters and was ready to destroy himself. That he had felt this despair, this deep disgust, and that he had not succumbed to it, that the bird, the joyful source and voice in him was still alive after all.” Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse

I WILL EXIST WITHOUT THIS MESS is a materialization of the manic head space in which I have always lived in. It was not until this past year that I felt so hopelessly confined to my 'well upholstered hell' that I finally found the desire and energy to attempt an escape. I WILL EXIST WITHOUT THIS MESS is an installation of that personal territory, transitioning from creation to destruction in an attempt to break free both physically and emotionally. Throughout the room, individual components examine the inner workings of my psyche, and the elements of pseudo inhabitable spaces reference both the domestic and institutional. Where this room’s priority is to validate and confront my ego, it also chronicles a lifetime of dealing with pain, fear, and a power struggle within myself. It addresses a fifteen year battle with a shape shifting mental illness, a constant reminder that I am a medical mystery unable to be solved, and a sense of control only acquired through sexual experiences. All of these combined experiences have left me with an exhaustingly futile search for a sense of self. Although this has compromised my identity, this work acts as my coping skill. It embodies the ways in which I have coped with the persisting anxiety, the dissociation with my surroundings, and the existential crisis of feeling like a permanently off-kilter human being. Even further, this is how I cope with being an artist whose creative world has thus far only revolved around this negative energy. I WILL EXIST WITHOUT THIS MESS transcends the physical realm and evolves into my own personal mantra that I am able to keep with me when I exit the space and close the door behind me.

Undergrad Senior Thesis
May 2015